(napansin ko na maayos pa lang gamiting font ang verdana)

Just finished reading THE VIRGIN SUICIDES this evening. It surprised me how fast i read the book and how much matterial it had that shook my insides. it just stinks how i easily get distracted while reading. I can't read when someone's talking or if there's music around. Maybe that's why I miss manila so much. In here (pampanga), along with the limited space, there are always only 2 vacant rooms where I can read in; one next to my parents' bedroom where my dad watches Ang Dating Daan in full blast, while the other room is next to the kitchen were Love Radio never goes off.

With the exception of three family members who went to U.A.E., some flew back for the holidays. So our house is jam-packed again, three sleeping in the sala and the other rooms fully occupied. Good thing we have 2 bathrooms =)

Going back to manila, the only competing noise there is my brother's rap music and my cousin's attempt at rockstardome via the tunes of hale, sponge cola and freestyle. Good thing I go home late these days. When I really want to read in peace, I go up the roof and read from there. No cousin, brother, sister or mother constantly going out to drink or go to the john, just a few roaches who don't bother to come near. I've also been accustomed to the sound of traffic, lyricless noise that reminds me "time to sleep" when they slowly die down.

I'm going back tomorrow or maybe on the fourth.

My cousin (the one studying Law) and I also watched Trainspotting just now, he complains that they've took out too much of the good parts and added a lot. I was looking forward to buying a copy of that, but with my long list waiting, I have to say no. That afternoon, we also watched Lords of Dogtown. Cool flick, made me miss my Vans and some skater friends. Also... AVOID watching the movie HAVOC, not unless you want to see Anne Hathaway's tits for a few seconds. It's basically about rich LA kids called "wiggers" trying to buy out the black culture and make it their own... di ko natapos, di ko kinayanan...

hehehe

2005 came and went and i'm still trying to remember that line from Planet Waves about the illusion of time and also the one from Philip K Dick's (if you've watched Waking Life, you'll know).

damn, 2k5 was the sh*t, filled with the many goods and the bads that, more or less, led to who or what I am right now (my first time to be published (Dapitan and Flame) Ronald's birthday party, to be an official member of the Thomasian Writer's Guild, the October 21 tragedy, meeting people like Ken Ishikawa, Joel Toledo, Carljoe, the Agape band, writers from CSB, Eric's Birthday, Gawad Ustetika, the Flame's 3rd news letter, all the books i've read, the CD's i've bought, and a whole lot more...)

Like Allan said, I need to step up. So far I've been doing well (in life and in writing). This new year, I need to really step up, I'm nearing 20 and I'm still facing certain issues (again, too many to mention). But the one that bugs me the most is my laziness with books. This past few days, all i've been doing was playing NBA live 2006, Resident evil 4, and watch my brother play Need For Speed Most Wanted. I've already bought so many books but I haven't even touched some of them, some half read, some gathering dust under my bed, some not even mine yet I haven't read or finished them. Maarte kasi akong magbasa, can't read when my mom's listening to Love Radio, when my brother's playing PS2 or when my cousin is playing his guitar. I have some concentration problems that I can't mend.

New Year's Revolution was a franchise title by the WWE, not a bad title. My revolution for the year 2006 is to finish a book in a week's time. Like Gelo said, you have to have the discipline in reading, even if you don't agree with what the book says.

here are the books I'll be reading for the months to come...

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THE VIRGIN SUICIDES

I've actually started reading this one yesterday afternoon and I've already reached page 102. I haven't been charged with a novel like this before. No one's getting this copy from me! wahahaha. I think I'll finish this one first.

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Tracks Without Giants

One of the books I got from winning the USTetika, I'm halfway through. I read it on jeepney, bus or MRT rides, sometimes a poem before I sleep. I like the one entitled  "Love, a pre-marital poem". That's why it never leaves my bag.

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The Reluctant Fire Walker

I think there's only one poem I haven't read here. Like Tracks, it too never left my bag the moment I bought it. Book signed by the author herself =)

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Death of a Salesman

I've bought this from a booksale, 40 pesos. Panalo! It's in my bag but I don't read it that often. Happy and Biff just overheard their almost senile dad talking to himself before they go to sleep.

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Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World

I've only read its first 2 chapters then I lent it to Zelda. Bought this after the sembreak. I've read the line about chubby girls in pink. cute ;p

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If on a winter's night a traveller

Yes ron, I still haven't finished this. I used to carry this around in my bag and read on my way to G4 or pampanga, but one day, someone sitting next to me crumpled the cover! (bastard) now it's reccuperating under my bed. I think I'm in chapter 4, just after the train station.

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Letters to a young Poet

bought this one from Joel, I haven't finished this one, it got lost in my bag and stumbled in Pampanga. I think it's the original 1970s copy.

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Best Words, Best Order

photocopied from Joel (i don't think i'll be buying the hard cover anymore), so far I've read up to the third chapter. I remember stopping because this line struck me "We all write to know why we write".

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Eating Naked

Finished about 10 or more stories, the last one entitled "With Franz and Jane". Thanks to this, Kafka on the Shore and Best Words, I'm now in search of The Metamorphosis and other stories by Franz Kafka

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Sailing Around the Room Alone

I'm pretty sure there are still a few poems I haven't read. So technically I haven't finished it yet. Billy Collins na siguro Idol ko sa pagsusulat although I'm looking for Ashbery books.

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Blizzard of One

Recommended by Joel, I've read most of the poems here over and over again (but not the long ones) I don't really write long poems, not that it would matter or anything.

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The Countries Between Us

My cousin Kath gave me this copy during christmas along with a bookmark which didn't look like a bookmark. she says it's her favorite author... not bad really, astig.

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Tundo man may langit din

Last time I read this was while waiting in line during enrollment last october. that day wasn't exactly the happiest moment of my life. I felt like jumping off a building that day (and myabe someone was waiting for me to do it)

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Human Wishes

Given by Mikael Co, it's a great read. It's with cholo right now. I've read most of the poems, flipping it and reading where I stop.

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Happy Endings

There's just one story I haven't read yet (The End). Kaso, the book got stolen, so I guess I have to buy a new copy. But it's ok, it's worth it.

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New American Short Stories

Already finished 2 stories, one from Raymond Carver. Got this book from a booksalw for 100 buckeroos. =)

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sh*t! i know there are other books... I forgot! hehehe. wish me luck in finishing all these before summer.

Family day today. My dad just came a few nights ago from Miami. Our plan was now a traditional shopping spree at Glorietta. Sure, I didn't have much on me, but my dad and mum gave a little contribution to make shopping more enjoyable (and what better way to spend time in the mall than to actually buy stuff rather than imagining yourself wearing those jackets, using those i-pods, etc.)

What I had on me when we split up was enough. I first wen up and bought 2 shirts from Happy Days, one that says "Bagets" for my dad, and one that says "estudyante blues" for me. I wanted to get the UST Dapitan shirt but I figured to buy that next time. Then I bought a pair of discouted pants. Fair enough, fitting and inexpensive, I got the second item on my list. First was the shirts, second was the pants. Third would be a jacket from U but I couldn't find the store.

The next item(s) would be books. there wasn't anything good on goodwill bookstore so I went to Powerbooks. There I found a copy of Fight Club and haruki Murakami and his music by Jay Rubin. I couldn't decide which to buy so i didn't make the call. I placed both of them back, failing to choose which, also failing to find a copy of Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis.

Item number five was CDs. A floor below was tower records. Thank God I already have a copy of Agape's CD so that was off my list. The only CD on my list was UpDharmaDown's Fragmented which wasn't there. Here's a list of what I got. JOHN LENNON's Working Cass Hero (2cds),   AT THE DRIVE-IN's This System is non-operational, INCUBUS' Morning View, THURSDAY's War All the Time, and P.O.T.'s Remastered. Ayus, ubos ang pera.

We had lunch at the foodcourt (damn, when I found out that there was a Dencio's there, I already ordered. shits!), then split up again. I passed A Different Bookstore where I picked up a copy of aTHE VIRGIN SUICIDES, which I was trying to locate for months. An hour of walking in circles lead me to a store where I bought a shirt with baby polar bears, reminded me of Manong Solis... aye up there big guy...

We went back to the car, and as usual, i was near rockbottom. oh, I forgot to tell you that we got pulled over by cops that morning. We didn't know that the color coding block was lifted in Makati and San Juan. We got pulled over thrice, twice after the first one. Anyway, there we were on the road to Cubao.

I had dad put on disk 1 of my new John Lennon CD. Mum and dad were still a little mad about the color coding thing, both were tired. We were all tired. Then the second track played. It was Imagine. Around the middle of the song, I noticed that mum, dad and I were singing Imagine. It was the highlight of the day for me, I think. It was probably the most family thing we've ever done. Sadly, my sister and little brother didn't know the song. Ah, who cares. for once, i shared music with my folks. I couldn't think of anything better to end the day. too bad the track only played three minutes and two seconds.

kakapanood ko pa lang sa video ng Agape "mine you will be"
astig! panalo talaga kayo joko!

She offered him his pancakes and hot chocolate. "It's very hot" she warned him.

"Do you often eat here?" he asked while cutting his pancakes into smaller pizza-like slices.

"Not really, I just like the pancakes, they're my favorite" she replied.

"So if I bought you pancakes everyday, you'll marry me?" he asked mockingly.

"No. Because if I ate the same pancakes everyday, they wouldn't be special anymore. If your favorite food was shrimp salad and all you ate was shrimp salad, you'd find yourself looking for something else soon enough. Maybe that's why a lot of people love twisterfries, they're only available here at McDonalds for a short period of time. Every time they take a bite from it, it would be worth it. After that, no one can taste twisterfries anymore, they'd all have to wait"

i've read something that i shouldn't have
i've read something that i shouldn't have
i've read something that i shouldn't have
i've read something that i shouldn't have
i've read something that i shouldn't have
and it made me sick, angry, jealous, anxious and aggitated at the same time.

reading that blog made yesterday's fuckup seem like a mild insult. seeing what i've just read makes me wanna puke, and it came from what, two or three sentences? you really can't feel anything until you've felt it first-hand.


yesterday's fuckup (nov. 6)

around 5:40, i was watching GBOB in the livingroom with my mom and cousins. and when i say "with" i meant, they were there in the living room but not watching with me. and everyone knows the majority of rock genre played in GBOB. my mom just had to say it...
"ano ba 'yan! may mapapala ka ba diyan? kaya ka-"
(at that point, i had to stop her yapping)
me: ano? anong mangyayare kung makikinig ako nito?

at that point, my mom didn't sat a word. i'm sure she would connect the way i look right now, how i failed spanish1, and my going to gigs from time to time. (well, i can't shave here, there are tons of razors in the bathroom but god knows where those things have been used...)

first of all, (and i would like to thank allan for teaching me this) hindi naman ako bobobo kapag nakikinig ako ng ganun na tugtugin eh. its not like those fucking novelty songs, yun yung nakakabobo!

then there's the music preference in our house. Sure! ban the loud music because it's bad for reasons they can't understand. the lyrics aren't that bloody and cursing, not like the Rap songs my brother listens to everyday. i guess if your a black rapper who uses the word "fuck" 20 times in just one song, your welcome in our house, but if you have a combo of an electric guitar, a bass guitar, a complete set of drums and a loud vocalist, you ain't welcome.

thank god i've i listen to more genres (now more into electronica) so i don't get that music speech thing with my mom. it's just not right for any teenager to turn down the volume when the music's kickass.




today's stomach bomb

yeah, it's a lot worse. i'm guessing only two persons in the world that can relate to what i've just read, me and cholo. pero he'd say something right, an advice, some words of wisdom. i guess at some level, i know what's going on, where things are right now, better that than being clueless.

and today isn't that bad either, i got the best belated birthday gift at around 2:00 in the morning, something i never expected but i got. thanx C. =)

i never should have played basketball the other day, which would have made yesterday a lot easier. Playing basketball for more than two hours straight without rubber shoes can is a lot of fun, playing barefoot too can be enjoyable depending if your feet is all caloused up.

anyway, i had to wake up early (5:30) to hear mass. i can't remember the last time i heard mass when on my birthday. seriously, if you google the date right, there is a tropical storm hitting the country every year, if not, it would just be raining. it's tradition, that candle lights are used, we don't really know when or if the power would fail. it happened.

so i hear mass at 6AM, which pretty much didn't make sense to me because the mass was said in rhetoric kapampangan. i recognized a few of the words but most of the time, i'm translating the events of the mass in english inside my head, all except for the songs, the gospel and the responorial psalms.

my back was hurting all day and i didn't want to do anything except lie down and listen to my mp3 player all day long. unfortunately, our PC was busted and it was the only source of charging my player.

most of the day pretty much sucked, except for a few times, old friends greeting, and the fact that no one greeted me on november 1 meant they didn't want to do that prank again or they've already forgotten.

what did we have? mashed potato, BBQ and grilled chicken, siomai, leche-flan, and two boxes of Pizza. i bought 8 bottles of Strong Ice, knowing that it was just me and my cousin Jay who was going to drink. he was going back to manila the next morning so i finished up his bottles. my other cousin also drank, and boy was he red. i didn't get wasted, nor was i tipsy. i was watching SCRUBS and 8 simple rules while drinking and eating mom's mashed potatoes.

i'm thankful for the ones that greeted (tama ba? greeted?) me that day.

also, my uncle called, said that my digicam was on it's way. so i don't have to save up 15K in two months. now i can buy more books, clothes, shoes, CDs, anything i want. then there's all this UpDharmaDown thing going on with me, so i guess i won't be able to save for the jolly seasons of christmas. sana na lang manala ako ng UStetika. bwahahaha <------ (mangarap ka pa)

i can't believe i've been listening to only four songs today, it ain't LSS or anything, i was trying to figure out why i like the songs so much, that their meanings were inching their way towards my brain (which i think isn't functioning properly). here they are:

Up Dharma Down's Lazy Daisy

Mojofly's Mata

The Smashing Pumpkin's Behold the Nightmare and

Placebo's Where is my Mind


Lazy Daisy
This song just sets the mood, especially the delay effect of the guitars, and some other effex like a whale singing solemnly. The song basically is about a girl who waits. Sad isn't it? There are times when we'd rather have rain instead of sunshine, that our world might as well be dark to complete the ambience. Can't wait for these guys to release their album FRAGMENTS.

Mata
The first girl i fell in love with got me with her eyes. The song is about going back through someone else' eyes. It's a part of the human anatomy that stay the same, our eyes. It's also relieving to see others' eyes, knowing that a part of them still remains. And when the rest of them changes, they're still the person you once knew. But eyes can be decieving, especailly deep ones.

Behold the Nightmare
Probably the best song in the Adore album, it's one of those songs you can't explain but are really good. i'm still listening to it, hoping i'd get it, or not. maybe there's nothing going on, or i'm just too stupid to understand.

Where is my mind?
i wouldn't expect anyhing less from placebo. it kinda brings back justice to oxymorons. if only my mind can take a trip away from my head, go somewhere naturey, beachy, someplace far from civilization, or anywhere away from me, remove the excess baggage, or at least rest for a few days, forget every damn thing that went wrong this october and go back in mid november.



conclusion? I am a bad music reviewer.
maybe the images are reoccuring, not mine, but someone else'.
Daisy, the nightmare, Mata, missing minds... it's a tetris game on the last level and i'm trying to make things fit before the time expires. but i don't think it's an issue anymore, not when getting over someone or getting run over is concerned...

Sonny posted something in one of my entries, about how he had to carry a dead baby during his stay at his practicum. it reminds me of other stories...

***

two of my aunts are doctors, sadly, one of them passed away years ago. they always told me stories how they lost their patients' lives under various circumstances. If you've watched City of Angels before, the scenario is similar to that. you can't eat, can't sleep or even close your eyes without thinking "that's a human life i've lost".

what's sad is the way on how they get past that sadness. she ssaid she lost a few more patience for her to realize that medicine has it's limitations. plus, when they count how many of their patients didn't make it, the midical practicioners call them "angels". I forgot how many angels she had already.

***

maybe that's one of the reason why i stayed clear of nursing or any medicine related course. The last thing i wanted to do is to preserve human life (like i'm not busy with keeping mine). then it just hit me, soon enough, when i'm raising a family of my own, i WILL be responsible, not just for me, but for them! so maybe the best thing to do is start with myself since i don't think i'll be in any relationship anytime soon.

***

i'm also reminded of the kickass sitcom SCRUBS. it's comedy alright, but it was the first sitcom to ever make me cry and understand what really goes on in the lives of doctors and nurses. I know, it's a sticom made by writers, but the philosophy is what gets me, i know that's what people go through, life, death, struggle, that all we can do is delay death. plus, cute yung chic na doctor.

hehehe

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